Time
I know this is all very common sense, but it’s been on my mind - Time. It just kind of flows along, right? We have these beliefs on how we should fill it. What is a waste, what is productive. Are we accomplishing anything today? Is it April already? Is April almost gone? What I have done with this time?
So I’m asking - What is needed to feel a sense of accomplishment? Is it items crossed off of a list? Because I am fairly accomplished at making lists. Side Note: Does anyone besides me remember the Frog and Toad story about list making?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_fzS7jRQgo
It’s worth the read. I legitimately will sometimes add something to my list that I have already done- just for the sake of placing the check beside it. So. Very. Satisfying.
During the last week or so at the J, as we lamented the future, some young man said, “ I honestly don’t know what I will do all day long”. How strange. I replied in shock, “Are you kidding me??” He had not yet discovered the fine art of puttering.
put·ter3
/ˈpədər/
verb
North American
gerund or present participle: puttering
occupy oneself in a desultory but pleasant manner, doing a number of small tasks or not concentrating on anything particular.
Actually, this is not what I do- though my actions may appear like this to others.
I am not desultory- or not entirely.
There are many, many things that I want to do. I have “some” idea on how to get them started, but I probably am lacking a true purpose; a true plan (sounds like I need some more lists(!)) This weekend I told a friend, “I just want to do what I want when I want to do it” Is that really so hard? But in my head, I think I “should” be doing something else. This “should”, (because I am not going to call it guilt), is not coming from Dear Husband, Todd. He probably would prefer that I clean the house now and then, but he seems perfectly OK with me sewing all day. I don’t think it is originating from a “work ethic” in the sense that I feel that I “have” to have outside employment. I was home for 14 years taking care of kids, I don’t crave a JOB. Purpose, maybe?
This weekend I spoke with (youngest son) Alec and Lily. I was likely rambling. Lily said something like “It sounds like you almost have too many ideas”. And, there it is. Focus, or lack thereof.
Time - How much do we have and how do we really want to spend it? I want to become so many different people and do so many different things. Do I have the time? still? (you knew there would be a list - right?)
1 - Improve Craft (brioche knitting, knitting backwards, garment sewing, quilting) - I’ve been working on this - The knitting stuff- I just need to buckle down and do it- it can’t be that hard lol. The garment sewing stuff that I have trouble with- I think it is just a matter of practice, (no problem finding time for that :) ) and I’ve been loading up on quilting classes.
2 - Write this Blog - I do enjoy this. It sometimes feels like an annoying thing on my to dos- but when I’m writing- it feels very cathartic. This is the weird journal that I am sharing publicly (or among the 5 of you). It’s the promotion of the Blog that I really find a bit cringey. I kind of don’t enjoy the social media crap. But I’m not sure how to promote this thing without it. I am very obviously not as committed as I should be if I want this thing to fly.
3 - Make stuff for me and mine - This I love so much and I have no trouble finding the time to do it. I would likely do it ALL DAY long if I could. I feel actual withdrawal. Last weekend it compelled me to continue sewing a little dress EVEN after I had somehow sewn through my thumb nail- You read that correctly. I somehow got my thumb nail under my sewing machine needle - I sewed THROUGH it (capturing my finger). I manually released my thumb, washed and sterilized the appendage, cleaned the machine to try to find the broken bits of needle, and then continued sewing, had to make sure the machine was ok. So yes, this I truly love. My thumb is (remarkably) fine.
4 - Make stuff for strangers - This is an unknown. I have never never never wanted to monetize my craft. I have never never never wanted to take something that I love and turn it into drudgery (my fear). So, how do I do this exactly? How do I strike a balance? How can I take what I love and somehow do it in a fashion that doesn’t annoy me and still (potentially) make a wee bit of money and give me a wee bit of satisfaction. Do I want to make physical things? or patterns? If I make physical things, do I need to maintain an inventory? Do I need to go somewhere and sell my stuff? and then pack up what doesn’t sell for another day? (This sounds depressing). Do I want to start making commissioned items for people? How on earth would I price that? Do I want to start writing knitting patterns? This I have done before and I liked the process- of course there about a million and one others already doing it. For it to be truly successful (whatever I decide THAT means), would require me to invest more time and energy into the whole social media thing. big sigh. TikTok OMG. My DIL, Rhuna suggested that maybe I could set up an exchange along the lines of - I’ll make you something for X number of social media posts. If you are still reading this and have any such skills - please let me know - it’s not a bad idea.
5 - Travel and hang out with Todd, kids and kids of kids - This is the true ice cream of life. Can I do it everyday please? Would I want to if I did? I would like to give it a go. Maybe when I’m really retired - whatever that means. I want to go literally everywhere. and I also want to just sit still.
6 - Other Enjoyable Stuff - Everything else that I want to do - you know, all the things that you thought that you would like and just haven’t done and the other things that you like - Reading of course, spending time with friends, cooking, gardening, meeting new people, doing slightly scary stuff and surviving. Playing with my dogs. Making a room look the way I had envisioned and everything that I forgot that I wanted to do. This is the grated parm on top of life.
7 - Stupid Crap - My Grandmother had a pill box that said “stupid stuff I have to take”. IMO - this category takes up too much time. This is the cleaning that actually has to be done, the dumb laundry, the weeding, the errand running. My doctor has now made a powerful enough argument for “exercise” - so there’s that. Truly stupid wastes of time (maybe).
I guess the next step is divvying up the day- or the week. What a quandary. How do you manage this? The allocating of our most precious commodity?
Do I have to truly be “retired” in order to feel free to spend it as a I choose? How will I know if I am? Is retired a permanent condition? I thought “staying at home” was, then I went back to “outside employment” for 14 years- am I done? am I not?
This whole post feels a little odd -sorry. Sometime later this week I’ll show you what I’ve been making- I promise :) It’s pretty wonderful. I’m happy to read anyone’s comments or suggestions -